“I’ve discovered that you cannot always do the right thing in life, but you can always not do the wrong thing. These are the certain small and big things to avoid on your way to Stardom.”

1. Wishing for someone else to fail

2. Speaking like Ozzy Osbourne in a corporate staff meeting

3. Forgetting about God

4. Denying pain

5. Leaving a job undone

6. Comparing yourself to someone else

7. Lying about your age

8. Failing to return someone’s call

9. Dismissing your hunch

10. Dressing like Anna Nicole Smith at your daughter’s piano recital

11. Believing you are ugly

12. Having bad breath

13. Thinking you are alone

14. Expecting anything free

15. Complaining

16. Blowing your nose in your napkin while eating

17. Doubting your ability

18. Giving up

19. Giving in

20. Not loving OPRAH

21. Being rude

22. Forgetting the less fortunate

23. Underestimating your competitor’s abilities

24. Saying, “No,” to anyone who wants to help you

25. Pressing your Luck when it’s running bad

26. Having dirty fingernails

27. Expecting too much

28. Giving too little

29. Thinking the Hip-Hop group OutKast are outcasts

30. Watching Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl performance on TiVo over and over

31. Saying “yes” when you mean “no”

32. Letting someone else always operate the TV remote control

33. Not facing your fears

34. Not singing along in church

35. Refusing to work late with your boss

36. Spotting more than 14 points in a pro football game

37. Not grieving a loss

38. Wasting time

39. Wasting someone else’s time

40. Thinking that rapper Eminem is a chocolate-covered candy

41. Leaving home without “it”

42. Not staying in touch with family and friends

43. Saying, “I can’t”

44. Believing fame will solve your problems

45. Disrespecting your parents

46. Putting someone down

47. Feeling sorry for yourself

48. Thinking it’s ever over

49. Talking like you know everything

50. Not believing Dr. Phil

51. Putting yourself down

52. Dropping out of school

53. Worshiping any person or thing

54. Not caring what people think of you

55. Threatening “Over my dead body”

56. Not learning from your failures

57. Leaving home without looking your best

58. Sweating the small stuff

59. Not getting enough rest

60. Wishing that both Madonna and Britney Spears would kiss you

61. Doubting the healing powers of chicken soup

62. Losing your sense of humor

63. Saying you hate computers

64. Smelling your armpits

65. Not embracing who you are

66. Being unappreciative

67. Not being there for a friend

68. Being indecisive

69. Spewing anger

70. Trying to figure out Michael Jackson

71. Following the pack

72. Being lazy

73. Overindulging

74. Not reaching for the brass ring

75. Taking that last ski run

76. Not sharing the load

77. Trusting just anybody

78. Not listening to a child

79. Taking no action

80. Naming your son after Billy Bob Thornton

81. Getting too full of yourself

82. Believing everything or anything has to be fair

83. Hogging the spotlight

84. Shaming someone

85. Wearing unpolished shoes

86. Believing you can do it alone

87. Not believing

88. Not laughing

89. Feeling guilty

90. Thinking that the rap artist Bow Wow is a dog

91. Being unprepared

92. Taking too many short cuts

93. Holding a grudge

94. Never saying, “I love you”

95. Doing anything half-assed

96. Taking anything for granted

97. Having regrets that outnumber your dreams

98. Not remembering Mister Rogers and his Neighborhood

99. Catching the fire truck

The Ones That Caught The Fire Truck:

“Jim Morrison, Marilyn Monroe, River Phoenix, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, Judy Garland, John Belushi, and Elvis Presley caught the fire truck. For different reasons, on different days, by different means, all these Stars did the same thing. They extinguished their lights. They wasted their Talents, they lost their Rage, they devastated their Team, and they ran out of their Luck. The End.”